It was the early hours of the morning...
I was so nervous.. I had done this before but this time it was planned. This is the story of my redeeming C/S bringing Kai into the world...
After a very traumatic emergency C/S with my first son I was so scared to have another one.
I always knew I would have a second C/S when I became pregnant.. But due to the trauma of the first one, I did not really know what to expect this time. I had blood pressure issues and a lot of vomiting during my pregnancy and was so ready to meet my baby boy. With my first pregnancy I wasn’t induced until almost 43 weeks so when my Doctor wanted me to be scheduled for my C/S at 39 weeks this time I was really excited.
When I got to the hospital to get checked in, my mind was racing.. I was nervous.. Is it really time? Am I really about to meet my baby boy? Will this be traumatic like last time? What will he look like? Would he be okay? Would I be okay? I was nervous to say the least.
They took me back first while Brooke (My Birth Photographer) got dressed up in all the scrubs and everything that she had to wear into the OR with me. This time I felt more prepared.. I was nervous and a tad shaky but overall I felt better about the situation. .
Once the surgery got started... It felt.. Well.. weird. I felt a lot of pressure.. tugging.. the room was really cold. They were pushing and pulling it felt like. But once they held Kai up for me to see him through the clear drape all those scared feelings and thoughts went away.. All that mattered was that moment when I saw my baby for the first time. It was 8:44 AM… My memory is a foggy but thankfully Brooke got photos of this very moment. I can look back and see that I immediately kissed my little boy through the clear drape when they brought him up.
After he was born and they showed him to me through the drape they took him over to the warmer to get weighed and measured. Hearing him cry but not being able to see him was hard and I cried.. But I knew they were taking care of him and me. He weighed 7lbs and 13 oz and was 20 inches long. I did not get to see him again until they finished up and brought him over close to my face. It is amazing to be able to look back at the photos and see the moment that I met my baby boy face to face and the moments that I was missing because they were finishing my surgery.
When we finally got to go to my room and I could hold my little boy my emotions were all over the place. I started out so excited but Kai ended up having to go to NICU for a few days due to jaundice and some other health issues.. I ended up with a CT scan to check where I had the surgery because of so much swelling. I lost quite a bit of blood as well…There were just so many things going on. I started developing PPD. It did not go as smoothly as I wanted but in comparison to my first C/S it was a lot better experience.
My PPD got worse over time because I was afraid to speak up and talk to my Doctor. It didn’t help that when I looked in the mirror I felt like I did not recognize my own body.. I finally spoke with my Doctor and she explained to me that she too had PPD and that it is very common. It is totally out of our control and a real biological thing that so many moms suffer from. I never realized how significant PPD was until I went through it after having Kai. Or how multitasking was a talent that you have to have with two babies! Lol
If I could tell a new or expecting C/S mom anything..
It would be to invest in a Birth Photographer. With all the fogginess and PPD I am so glad that I had Brooke with Mama Bear Photography there to capture all those special moments. That moment when they brought my baby up for me to see for the first time. Kai being weighed and measured. The moments that I could not see and the ones that I struggle to remember. Having PPD was and is still so hard but I love that I can go back and relive the best moments and it can’t steal that joy from me. And secondly.. I would tell her to reach out to her Doctor if she thinks she may have PPD. It is very real and scary. We can’t help it. It just gets worse over time when you try to ignore it. My Doctor said that it is a lot like Diabetes. That our bodies are just not producing the hormones properly on their own similar to insulin with diabetics. Reach out.. You and your babies deserve to be helped. Don’t suffer in silence like I did for so long. And make sure you have someone there to capture the moments you will want to remember. It is okay to be scared but you’ve got this. You are a strong Mama. You literally had a human cut out of your body. Love yourself and the body that created your little ones.